Love and Relationships
© 2008 Tom Murasso
We've heard it said so many times – Love makes the
world go 'round. Well, it's true! Love does make the
world go 'round… and the Universe too! Love is the
energy of Creation – the movement of All That Is – the
fuel that brings forth life.
There are many kinds of love. We use the word love to
describe what we enjoy; "I love pizza!" And, we use
the term when we appreciate something; "I love how you
painted the bedroom." Love can be expressed as an
emotion when we say something like; "I love my new
kitten!" or to show our feelings for spouses, friends and
family; "I love you so much!" But, these expressions of
love are 'personal', which mean there are conditions
attached to them and they are expressions of the
separate-self.
What does 'conditional love' mean then? Simply put,
the ego part of us expresses love in a selfish or
self-centered way. Conditional means: relating to
conditions, circumstances, or requirements. For example,
the love of one's sexual partner is conditional.
Typically, it is based on the sexual attraction of the
individuals and the exclusivity of the relationship.
However, if one party had sexual relations with another,
this circumstance most likely would interrupt the love as
the ego self of the partner that didn't stray would feel
bruised, hurt, angry, unloved, or worse.
Another example would be the love of a friend. Friendships
are based on shared interests, mutual support, feeling good,
easy communication, and various other things that make
people our friend. If someone loves a friend because of
their personality, sense of humor, the way they make us
feel, or any other aspect, then the friendship is based on
conditional love. If any circumstances arise which
threaten the love, i.e. lifestyle changes, periods of no
communication, friendships with others, or they cease to
express what we enjoy about them, the love is selfish and
conditional.
What is getting in the way of expressing real love –
unconditional love – is the egoic separate-self and
it's emotions like, anger, pride, envy, and something we
think is okay, possessive love of spouses, sexual partners,
friends and family. She's my wife; that's my husband; I
love my kid, my dad, my sister, or my anything. I'm
describing personal, possessive, conditional love that has
very little to do with the other person.
Unconditional love is not personal – it doesn't start
or stop – it just is. Conditional love has expectations,
rules, agendas to follow, and when not met, causes upsets
and reactions. In a way, it is easier to show
unconditional love to a stranger than someone close to you.
We all want to feel love. We go to great lengths to
achieve it, and feel our lives are incomplete without it.
It's probably safe to say that our need to feel love is
as great as our need for food, water, and air. But, the
kind of love everyone seeks (and needs) is unconditional
love. So, why must we put conditions on it?
We put conditions, circumstances, and requirements on love
because we were programmed to do so from early childhood.
We saw that when we were good, people loved us. So, if we
were quiet, cleaned our room, did our chores, didn't hit
our siblings, and otherwise did the right things, we were
loved. But, when we were bad, all the love suddenly
vanished. We were taught that love was conditional –
that we had to buy love from the people around us with our
behavior. How can someone feel loved when love is bought?
We can only feel loved when it is given freely,
unconditionally.
Few of us have ever received true, unconditional love. We
were taught conditional love. As long as we were good boys
and girls, our parents and others smiled at us, gave us a
hug, spoke nicely to us… and we felt loved. But, what
happened when we made a mistake? The people closest to us
– the ones we thought loved us - frowned, showed
disappointment, and maybe even yelled at us. Although it
was unintentional, our parents and others taught us a
terrible message.
The moment we do anything at all to win the approval or
respect of other people, we are paying for the attention
and affection we receive. We seek real love without a
price tag. Any other kind of love – conditional,
circumstantial, required, possessive – anything other
than unconditional isn't really love at all… it's an
imitation of the real thing. True love is entirely
different from the kind of love most of us have known all
our lives. It's hard to believe, but conditional love is
based upon fear – fear of not being loved.
Unconditional love is a state of being. It is caring about
the happiness of another without any thought for what we
receive in return. Unconditional love is the way of the
Children of the Law of One (explained in depth in my new
book, The Manuscript: Awakening Into Oneness).
Unconditional love is expanded awareness, and
enlightenment.
We can see the results of people not giving and receiving
true love… emptiness. We then try to fill that emptiness
with whatever feels good at the moment be it drugs, alcohol,
anger, money, sex, violence, power, gambling, buying things,
or anything else we use as a substitute for real love. It
fills the emptiness for a moment, but it never lasts, and
it never brings happiness. Most people spend their lives
trying to fill their lives with a substitute for true love,
but all they achieve is more frustration and unhappiness.
The single most important requirement for happiness is to
feel loved, but most people don't really understand what
love is. We don't know how to find it and if we do,
it's difficult to hold onto. We talk about it, thousands
of books and movies are made about it, yet it is elusive and
slips through our fingers. Love and happiness go
hand-in-hand, and when I talk about happiness, I'm
talking about a feeling of peace and fulfillment that
bathes the soul in a knowing that all is well and there is
nothing to fear. This feeling doesn't go away when life
becomes difficult – it grows and engulfs us in a light of
protection. This is our reason to live – to find
unconditional love and share it with others. This is our
work on the planet. Nothing else matters.
Conditional love can bring us moments of happiness, but
we're still left with emptiness inside. Only
unconditional love can fulfill us. When someone is
genuinely concerned about our happiness, we feel connected
to that person. And, when we love unconditionally, we
connect with others and create a powerful lasting bond that
brings happiness to all. Only true love without conditions
can do this.
Anything other than unconditional love is an imitation of
this essential emotion. Praise is a substitute for real
love. When we received praise as children and heard words
such as, "Good boy," or "Good girl," we understood
that to mean we were loved. This set us up for a lifetime
wanting to please others in pursuit of praise. "Good
job," "Excellent work," and similar words of praise
programmed our body-minds to believe we were not lovable
unless we, "Make a good first impression," or "Put
the best foot forward." We're taught that seeking
praise is a good thing… but it's a poor substitute for
love.
And, what happens when someone sees the other foot – the
worst foot? What happens when we make a mistake or reveal
some imperfection? The disappointment can be overwhelming.
Relationships based on praise are an illusion destined to
fail. Neither person loves the other completely – once
the complete person is revealed – so is the illusion.
Without real love, the foundation of any relationship will
be weak and any upsets will eventually cause it to fail.
As we try to do our very best, hoping to fill our emptiness
with praise, we find it is fleeting and never fills the hole
in our heart. The effects of praise are always short-lived
leaving us desperate for another 'fix'.
All forms of imitation love are like addictive drugs.
Despite our pursuit to earn it, the beneficial effects
become less and less. We have to work harder to get the
'high' and eventually we become exhausted, frustrated,
or worse. No matter how much we pursue – no matter how
successful we are at obtaining it – imitation love never
connects us with another… we still feel alone, helpless,
and afraid.
Power and control over others provides temporary relief
from our feelings of emptiness, weakness, and fear. When
we get people to agree with us – to do what we want –
we feel we have some measure of control over the love we
receive. Power as a substitute for real love includes
money, authority, intimidation, anger, violence, and sex.
And again, only leads to more addictive behavior.
Some people fill the emptiness in their hearts with
physical and emotional pleasures. Food, alcohol, shopping,
sex, extreme sports, drugs, gambling, etc. are some of the
choices for many of us looking for love. The pleasure we
receive is a short-lived distraction from the pain and
emptiness we feel inside. These distractions can never
produce genuine happiness. The pleasure wears off more
quickly each time and eventually, no amount of it can
satisfy our need for unconditional love.
We go to great lengths to avoid the pain of not being
loved. If we can't find the love we seek, we can at
least do everything we can to avoid experiencing more pain.
So, we stop growing. We avoid anything new and unfamiliar.
We live in fear, staying in the same unfulfilling jobs day
in and day out, diverting our attention with television and
mindless drivel, and continuing unrewarding, yet
predictable, relationships.
Sixty percent of marriages end in divorce these days, and a
vast majority of those that remain married have settled for
less then they had hoped for. Ideally, a marriage should
be the ultimate relationship in one's life, joining two
Souls in joy and love. So, what happens? Both people
believe the other is at fault. They each feel their
partner has failed them in some way as they once made them
happy and now their spouse makes them miserable. What
caused the marriage to fail? The lack of real love almost
guarantees a relationship is doomed from the start.
Oh, in the beginning the relationship is happy… each
party gives the other enough imitation love to achieve the
illusion of joy, happiness, and compatibility. This
feeling is better than they've ever felt before – this
must be the real thing. But, when the illusion fades,
they're left with the realization that their marriage has
no more substance than a cloud of smoke. The one thing that
would guarantee happiness, unconditional love, was missing
from the beginning.
But… everything I pointed out above concerns the egoic
separate-self focused on an objective reality. In other
words, the separate-self believes everyone and everything
is 'out there' – even love! Enlightenment, expanding
awareness, ascension – whatever we want to call what is
available for us in the coming years – means our work is
to become connected to the True Self and leave this
illusion behind us. Yes, of course this awakening includes
unconditional love, but it's more of a way of being and a
service to others that encompasses all people and things.
Unconditional love, happiness, joy, the connection with the
True Self, and our relationships with others are all
happening within us. It is not our spouse's work, nor
anyone else's responsibility to help us find love and
happiness – we must find love and happiness within.
Every relationship we have with every person we ever come
in contact with is a reflection of ourselves.
Relationships help us look within. What we dislike in
another is what we dislike about ourselves. What we like
about someone reflects what we like about ourselves. The
problem lies in the fact that most people look for
validation of their likes and dislikes through
relationships with others. Rather than finding our own
truth, we care more about what the other person thinks,
says, or feels rather than what we think, say, or feel.
The relationship defines who and what we are.
We must become our truth. The answers to whom and what we
are must come from within. We must identify with the
greatest part of ourselves, the True Self – that part of
us that is compassion, confidence, wisdom, happiness,
sharing, and unconditional love. We must find that place
inside that knows no boundaries, sees past the illusion of
separateness, and loves and accepts all.
This knowing – this state of being – is the greatest
gift we can give to ourselves and others. It is not
difficult to love ourselves when we find the truth of our
being. Quite often people seek out relationships to
determine if they are worthy of love when the answer really
lies within. The True Self is unconditional love!
When we know our infinite potential and love who we truly
are unconditionally, then we have no reason to seek
relationships to determine if we are worthy of love. Once
we understand our greatness, our perfection, our
completeness then we can begin to use relationships to
share our greatness with each other instead of seeking out
a relationship to complete us. We are already complete and
whole (and love). Everything we see in another will always
be what we see within ourselves. Consequently, we start to
treat all people as the magnificent part of Oneness that
they are.
How one interacts with others in relationships is based
upon one's viewpoint of relationships. In other words,
if we have had negative experiences in our relationships,
there is the danger of creating the same scenario again and
again if we decide to react based on the interaction itself.
However, by adopting the perspective that relationships are
mirrors of qualities within ourselves, we will discover the
exact source of every problem a relationship may encounter.
So, what are these hidden parts of us that reflect in our
relationships? These are the parts of us that we deem
unacceptable; the parts of ourselves that we try to hide,
deny, or suppress. Anger, laziness, criticism,
selfishness, weakness, etc. are the negative qualities we
don't want to reveal to the world… or to ourselves.
Most of us hope that by suppressing these aspects of
ourselves, we will find the peace and happiness we desire.
We've been taught early on that we're flawed and
inadequate, so we think locking our bad qualities away, no
one will discover our secrets and we would be worthy of
love.
But, suppressing our negative sides stunts our spiritual
growth. We cannot live our lives to the fullest expressing
our completeness; or worse, we live in shame and
dissolution. Until we acknowledge our dark side, we will
continue the battle inside us and our relationships will be
a reflection of the war we are having within. When we can
love every aspect of ourselves and forgive our humanness,
we will be able to experience love from all who cross our
paths. Until that point, we will continue to attract
people and events that reflect the negativity we feel about
ourselves. If we're not receiving the love and
appreciation we desire from others, most likely we're not
loving and appreciating ourselves. Read that again.
How do we shift gears from suppressing to embracing our
negative side? Rather than deeming our weaknesses, rage,
and insecurities as enemies, we must find the wisdom hidden
within them. Every quality, every emotion, every
experience, hold great lessons that help us transform our
thoughts and beliefs and can help us remember our infinite
potential. Anything that once held us back – any quality
of ourselves that we suppressed – can become the fire
which ignites the True Self and will begin the process of
great spiritual transformation. Embracing our dark side
allows us to reclaim our power.
Accepting the totality of ourselves is a process of loving
ourselves completely – unconditionally. Our emotional
scars are transformed into our greatest gifts, and what we
once believed were our adversaries, become our greatest
allies. There is no greater love than self-acceptance.
Loving the darkness within ourselves allows us to love the
darkness in others. Then there are no conditions attached
to our love for another – no judgment – it is
unconditional, whole, and complete. We come to a new place
of understanding where we can shine our light on all of
humanity.
Integrating our different aspects allow us to uncover how
our hidden side is really our greatest gift. We find that
are weaknesses are the hidden strengths that lead us to
expansion. We must make a conscious choice to change our
belief that life happens to us and open up to the reality
that we create our experiences for Soul growth and we must
find the lessons therein. We must look at our lives and
understand that each and every event, experience, and
person in our life are there in order for our growth,
insight and wisdom. This requires examining every aspect
of ourselves and our lives and asking, "How does this
serve my growth?"
The darkness we hide inside is our greatest teacher. It is
what guides us to uncovering the True Self – if we only
allow it. It requires nothing more than a shift in our
perception whereby we choose to look at our lives in a way
that empowers us and allows us to realize all change comes
from within and to love unconditionally.
When we allow unconditional love (and acceptance) to become
our state of being, we unleash the capacity to enhance all
of life as well as ourselves. We expand our awareness –
we remember we are unconditional love. We really don't
have to experience anything because we already possess the
knowledge of everything within; we need to awaken, we need
to remember. We always have the option of staying asleep,
and that's okay – people, events, and circumstances
will come our way to help us awaken. It's up to us if we
leave the driving up to our unconscious, or grab the wheel
and consciously take control of our journey and the
direction we want to go.
Excerpt from Tom's new book,
"The Manuscript: Awakening Into Oneness"
© 2008 Thomas Michael Murasso
Available at: http://borntomanifest.com/manuscriptbk.html
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